My new book

Grief is one of those things that visits us at least once in a life time, I think. Anticipatory grief and then just grief after you have lost someone you love. I didn't think I would make it but somehow I did.

Spring has arrived and I've wondered if my life will be the same. It's not but I've learnt to live with the change. The thing is, change is inevitable - why don't embrace it, roll with it?

I've wiped tears from my eyes countless times - I thought I would never enjoy life again. Spring has arrived and so what? It could not mend my heart, nothing can.

If he was here he would not be happy to see me being so miserable. He would look at me questioningly with his beautiful melting eyes, "Mum, why don't we go out for a walk?" And I said to him, "I can't Snoopy. I can't do it without you." I heard him saying, "But you can take me with you, in your heart." So I went for a walk and tried to be brave - just to find that - the carrying him in my heart theory didn't work and I cried all the way because I missed him so much.

I couldn't move on although my life carried on - but without any real purpose. For the first time I felt so exposed - vulnerable and sad. 

No, life won't be the same. It's a new chapter now - I kept telling myself everyday. The house was so quiet and empty. I kept expecting Snoopy to run downstairs when I came home from work. I kept expecting him to run after me to the back garden as soon as the back door opened. I kept expecting him to put his soft nose against my face in the morning.  He was gone - physically gone - forever. No matter how much I wish he was here he will not come back. 

People have been so kind and understanding. One evening my friend sent me a message saying she had reserved a kitten for me. She said I needed help and it would help . It's obvious that I need a pet - I can live without having a relationship with a human being but not without a pet.

It's not a new chapter but it's a new book. Just have to wait and see what I will learn from a cat - the cat - my cat.